Head 7 – Date Rush (Part 2)￼
PS: Emojis ahead…
Kwao Danku. 34 years old. Average height. Weighs about 170 kg. Has smooth dark skin and wears a decent haircut. A teller at a prestigious bank. Lives alone in an expensive apartment that was gifted to him by his father on his thirtieth birthday. Has a sweet, minty mouth breath.
We had lunch at Kwao’s end. Ever heard that Ewe guys are romantic and excellent cooks? Well, Kwao happened to be one and I found it pretty impressive.
Funke: This meal is so delicious.
Kwao: I am glad you like it.
Funke: Like, is an understatement. I love it! I didn’t know men who cook excellently still exist. I guess you’re one in a million.
Kwao: You just made my heart flutter.
Funke: I’m glad I did. I will be passing through every weekend to eat your meals if you don’t mind.
Kwao: Feel free to come around. I live here alone and some company would be perfect.
Funke: Sounds like some series of dates coming up.
Funke: Can I have some more?
Kwao: Have you not consumed enough calories already?
Funke: Come on, there’s no way you’re going to finish all of that. Besides, who can resist such an appetizing meal?
Kwao: I am glad you love the meal. The problem is that, too much eating leads to obesity. And fat women turn me off.
Funke: But I am not fat.
Kwao: I know, but the beginning of obesity is too much eating.
Funke: I am not complaining even though you’re fat yet.
Kwao: That’s because I am a man. You’re a lady, you need to maintain your figure.
Funke: Interesting. So, you’re asking me out because I am a size six or what?
Kwao: And you’re also cute. I love your makeup, it’s on point. You look perfect this way, almost like a doll.
Funke: Thank you. (Smiles) I need some clarification. So, if we settle and have babies, you do realize that my body will undergo a series of changes right? And I am certain you’ve heard that childbearing changes women.
Kwao: I know that perfectly. But I’ve also seen women on Instagram maintain their figures right after giving birth. You can do the same.
Funke: It is true. But do you also know that the majority of those women make use of filters on their pictures, opt for various surgeries, and put themselves on unhealthy diets which worsens their situations in the long run?
Kwao: Just think of a natural way to get back into shape then.
Funke: My mum grew from a size six to a size ten after my birth and she handled her new figure pretty well.
Kwao: A size ten sounds too much. Maybe, you’ll have to put yourself on a strict diet to get back to this size. You see, a man can be as ugly as a beast yet, get the woman of his dreams. It’s not the same for women, unfortunately. You must always look presentable.
Funke: You have a point but don’t you think we all need room to be ourselves sometimes? Such as in a haven where we don’t experience judgment from the ones we love and intend to share the rest of our lives with.
Funke: Did you date supermodels in the past?
Kwao: Why do you ask?
Funke: Judging from your choice of women.
Kwao: (Smiles) kind of. So, my ex-girlfriend was the center of attention whenever I stepped out with her and I felt so proud. My friends always praised me for having great taste when it came to dating. Alicia had such soft and beautiful skin, I felt like she bathed in goat milk every single day. I could swear she was a vampire, never aging. And her makeup was always lit. I think of her sometimes.
Funke: Why did you guys break up?
Kwao: She had an accident that affected her left leg and left her limping.
Funke: So, she decided to shut herself away from the world?
Kwao: No. I broke up with her.
Funke: Because she was limping?
Kwao: Well. It was a part of the reasons.
Funke: What were the other reasons?
Kwao: They’re personal. That’s in the past anyway. I turned over a new leaf.
Funke: So, if I lose a leg, would you still want to be with me?
Kwao: Tough question. (scratches his head and smiles)
Funke: I get this feeling that you are present in a relationship for as long as the good times last.
Kwao: Nobody is interested in staying during a storm.
Funke: What if tables turn and you are the one who needs to be saved from the storm? Would you be happy if she had walked away?
Funke: It is obvious that physical appearance does matter to you.
Kwao: Absolutely! And it’s a plus for the kids because their looks are drawn from their parents.
Funke: That’s relative, not automatic. I’ve seen wonderfully looking couples with their kids looking like meh! (sips water) Speaking of parents, are yours still together?
Kwao: No. They split when I turned eight and my father married three times after divorcing my mother. That man is obsessed with pretty young women. He needs serious prayers.
(The ‘rotten’ apple doesn’t fall far from the ‘almost dead’ apple tree.)
Funke: You grew up with your father?
Kwao: Yes, I did. He would spend hours at nightclubs and bring women home almost every night. By morning, he would order an Uber to take them home.
Funke: And you never spilt a word to your mother?
Kwao: I wanted to, but the ladies usually lavished me with gifts and it almost seemed impossible to kiss and tell. If I had mentioned it to my mother, it would have made no sense because they were already divorced.
Funke: (Licking her lips) What are you going to do with the rest of the dish?
Kwao: I’ll feed it to my dogs.
Funke: I wish you hadn’t said that.
(We went on and on with the conversation for over an hour.)
Funke: Well, it was lovely meeting you. I had a great time. But I have to get going.
Kwao: I am so glad that we spent time together. A moment, I’ll take you home.
Funke: Thank you. I’ll clear the table as you change.
By 7:30 pm, I was back in my den. I had mixed feelings about meeting Kwao. He seemed great until I delved deeper into his life. He’s got all the qualities I want in a man but I am scared to travel that marital path with him because I feel he will lose interest once my body and face change. And that’s my worry. Perhaps, he will turn out just like his father or worse, or maybe neither.
I don’t want to grow old and lonely, and neither do I want to be a divorcee. Should I give him a chance? Maybe I can change his perception of physical appearances. I can change him to see the inner beauty of others.
‘Hell no!’ Night roared on the phone once I narrated my date to her.
‘But he’s a perfect gentleman. I can cope. I am not getting any younger. I need a man.’ I cried on the phone.
‘Funke, trust me on this one. You’ll live sorrowfully ever after. Do you want to settle with a man who is obsessed with just physical beauty? You’ll be walking on eggs for the rest of your life, and once they crack, you’re done. Not to brag, but my husband allows me to be myself. With or without makeup he still loves me. He knows I love to be in comfy clothes and flip-flops. After welcoming our first child, I gained weight yet he always used positive words around me. And once I informed him of my decision to lose weight, he changed a couple of his schedules to exercise with me. He set up a small gym at home to encourage me. In fact, we diet together. This is love! This is sacrifice!! But this Kwao guy is speaking a selfish language. You can’t change a man, if you try, he’ll find you a nuisance.’
‘Perhaps, the absence of his mother made him turn out this way.’
‘That’s not an excuse. What about the men who grew up without their parents yet act responsibly? Did he say anything about losing his weight? He needs to focus on his health first by losing all those proud fats he’s stored around his organs instead of looking out for size to complement his.’
And that was it. I knew I had to let Kwao go or perhaps give him a chance. I equally have flaws, and he had probably not noticed any yet. Yet, here I was, judging him.
Kofi Owusu-Ansah. 40 years old. Good looking and soft-spoken. Lives a luxurious lifestyle. He is a Marketing Consultant. And he loves the Lord.
This was a ‘mini–date’. I met Kofi at his office when I found myself in town for window shopping. He had a beautiful and welcoming working space. My eyes kept roaming the place as I sat waiting at the reception. He showed up in his gray tuxedo. He smelt wonderful. He probably looks older yet, he was in perfect shape.
Kofi: Hello dear, so nice to meet you.
Funke: It’s nice to meet you too.
Kofi: This way.
(He led the way to his well-furnished office.)
Kofi: Take a seat. What can I offer you?
Funke: Water would be just fine. Thank you.
Kofi: Are you sure? I could order you lunch.
Funke: I’m good. I had lunch with a friend before passing through.
Kofi: Very well. You look good.
Funke: Thank you. You look great too. Business looks green at your end.
Kofi: Thank you, my dear. Of course, it is. Unfortunately, I am swarmed with so much work at this time of the month. Nevertheless, I am so glad to finally meet you. I am certain Pastor Ike said a lot about me.
Funke: Oh, he barely said a word.
Kofi: That’s interesting to know. So, I have been seeing you on the few occasions that I could make it to church and I decided to get in touch with you and see if you are available to mingle.
Funke: (Smiles) Well, I guess I’ve not been regular to church myself, so it’s nice to know that you noticed me. And yes, I am single and ready to mingle.
We keep sailing in this imaginary Titanic ship until we reach the part where there’s the tip of the iceberg that has the possibility of wrecking this premature relationship.
Kofi: I am neither ready to date nor settle down. Just hang out and chill for now.
Funke: That’s fine. I mean, there’s no need to rush. I’d also like to know you better before I commit.
Kofi: I like that. So, can we give ourselves a couple of years from now? Say, three to five years? We’ll be more certain by then.
Funke: I am good. My only problem is I am already thirty-one, and I don’t know if I can wait that long.
Kofi: Age is just a number as they say.
Funke: My biological clock whispers a different meaning.
Kofi: I don’t think I want to have kids. They come with too many responsibilities.
Funke: Not even one?
Kofi: Well, I guess one isn’t bad.
Funke: (Big sigh) Then this can work. But, do we need so many years to know each other? A year from now, we could be walking down the aisle if we are meant to be.
Kofi: I get you. But I am not ready to settle down. Just that, you are the only one I have my eyes on.
Funke: Well, let’s see where the road leads us.
Kofi: Thank you for understanding. And you can move into my apartment at North Legon, and stay for as long as you want. (takes out a bunch of keys and hands them over to me.)
Funke: I am good.
(A call came through for him and he turned in my direction with a sort of disappointing look on his face. He got off the call after a couple of minutes and I knew my visit had been cut short by some upcoming business meeting.)
Funke: You’ve got a meeting coming up I guess.
Kofi: (Sighs) yes. So unfortunate.
Funke: We can always talk when you’re free.
Kofi: Thank you, babe. Let me see you off. I’ll give you a call tonight.
Funke: (Smiles) perfect!
Kofi: Have a great day.
I smiled as he waved me goodbye. Kofi wanted me to move into one of his luxurious apartments. It meant I wouldn’t have to think of working too hard in the future. I am going to be a millionaire’s wife!
I was sure Night would be so thrilled to hear about Kofi. I finally found someone.
‘Night, he’s perfect! The best was saved for the last.’ I squealed as I lay on my bed.
‘Girlfriend you were swayed by his appearance. Calm down.’ Night replied on the phone. ‘So, what’s his name?’
‘Kofi Owusu-Ansah. And, he is a Marketing consultant.’
‘Wait for a second! You met Kofi?’ Night yelled.
‘Is he famous? Like a celebrity?’ I smiled to myself, sensing the surprised tone in her voice.
‘Yes, he holds a Ph.D. in pulling down panties and he will make it to the Guinness book of records pretty soon as the African man with an outstanding number of baby Mamas. Kofi Owusu-Ansah is a time-waster who makes empty promises to women. He will never marry you.’
‘You don’t want me to bear the title ‘Mrs’ like you do right?’ I could feel anger swelling within me. I was expecting Night to be happy for me, for once!
‘Not at all. Funke, no man is perfect but we settle with the ones who we are compatible with to a large extent. Of all the men you’ve met so far, can you cope with any of them?’
‘Yes. I can cope with Sangu the Mama’s Boy and Kwao the fat Banker.’
‘Because Sangu’s mother will die soon from old age or I could give her a ‘fatal’ heart attack. And for Kwao, I’ll just eat in smaller quantities daily to maintain my figure. Easy!’
‘Funke, marriage is for better or for worse. It’s a long journey that requires a partner you can flow with in all seasons, not in some seasons. And there’s no Mr. Right but at least, there’s someone you can feel a connection with and nurture it together. Did you feel that connection with any of the men?’
‘Yes, I felt that with Kofi.’
‘Girlfriend, be patient. My husband knows him very well. You may not know this, but Kofi has been eyeing a certain lady he met on one of his business trips to the United Kingdom two years ago. He recently mentioned to my husband his intention to marry that lady who apparently, he has been communicating with. So, he’s been keeping other women around him for months hoping the UK lady would say yes soon. If she accepts his proposal, you’ll be heartbroken and if not, he still has options to choose from. He’s been dating women for years without any intention to marry them.’ Night concluded.
‘Perhaps, he’s changed. He’s moved on.’ I stated.
‘Girlfriend, you are mature enough to make a decision, and I’ll respect your choice. So, are you willing to date him for the years he mentioned?’
‘Well, why not?’
‘When a man meets you for the very first time and he’s interested in you, he’ll make a move. If he’s not into you, he can keep you as a friend for years without any intention to marry you. So, the number of dating years doesn’t count. If he is interested, he will make preparations to officially give you his last name, regardless.’
‘Hmm.’ I sighed. ‘What if the man is interested yet he is in most cases, not financially prepared to settle?’ I asked.
‘You will know. And if he is not serious, your heart will tell you unless your eyes refuse to observe.’ She answered. ‘Oh least I forget. In case he offers you a key to his apartment anywhere in the country, reject it. You might feel indebted to him for his generousity and you’ll eventually give yourself to him. That’s how the other women received the ‘baby mama’ titles.’ Night warned.
‘Oh my God. You do know him. He did offer me the option of moving into one of his luxurious apartments. I had no idea.’
‘I know you are disappointed but I want the best for you. I want my best friend to enjoy marriage just as I am enjoying mine and even more.’
‘You’re welcome, girlfriend.’
In the morning, I phoned Kofi and told him that I was not interested in seeing him. He sounded sad and I nearly fell for it.
‘I like you so much and you are the only one I am interested in, but I am not ready to settle.’ He said.
I smiled. That response sounded familiar. Unfortunately, I had made up my mind. I wouldn’t let any man trap me with that response only to keep me hanging. He might send me a wedding invitation years later to his wedding with another woman. Boy bye!
At the end of my dates, I learned this;
To stay away from men who can’t make decisions on their own and are easily controlled by others.
To avoid men who in the name of spirituality, have abandoned their brains and logical reasoning in aspects of life.
To keep away from men who are only willing to commit based on physical appearances and nothing more.
To flee from men who just want to keep women hanging around them because, in most cases, they see such women simply as options.
To work on myself so I don’t become the red flag that potential partners would like to avoid.