Head 7 – Date Rush (Part 1)
A wise man once said that diamonds don’t fall from the sky. You need to go to the field and get some digging done to discover the desired treasure. (Think about it!)
So if you want to date, go out there and mingle, but do so wisely. Yes, you can pray and fast for forty days and nights yet nobody would show up if you don’t step out there. Do you know why? Because being indoors sounds like staying invisible.
It’s Sunday. One of those days when I can’t seem to get out of bed. Argh! And if I do, I’ll have to figure out how to enter the house of God.
For weeks, I had intentionally stayed away from service to avoid the countless comments made by the women’s fellowship. And the regular phrases I heard whenever I found myself in church seemed to grow worse.
‘Eh-heh! So when are you introducing him to us?’
‘There’s an upcoming singles summit, show up and mingle.’
‘This year, God will surprise you with a permanent husband, say amen.’
‘My son just arrived from overseas. You should come home and help me cook for him.’
‘As a woman, you need to settle before you turn 30. That’s your expiration date for marriage oo!’
I groan whenever I hear these irritating comments from the putative women who are supposed to nurture the young ladies in the church. The older men, on the other hand, are polite – but hold up, don’t smile yet! They carry that warm reception for a reason. They are the real Yoruba demons! Yep, that’s right.
‘You are a fine wine. Call me.’ One older man says, slipping his card into my hand during the exchange of ‘holy greetings’.
‘Join me on my next business trip. I’ll lavish you with all the luxury you can think of.’
‘If my wife was a size six just like you, I’d feel so special with her in public.’ Another says and winks.
‘Look at you! I would give all the diamonds in the world to have you on my lap. Shhh, don’t tell my wife.’
‘Forget the titles, just use my first name or call me Zaddy.’
Eww! Perverts, disguised as fathers. What exactly are they going to impart into the lives of these troubled young men? No wonder a lot of these young men are going wayward. About 90% of them are still unready to settle.
Despite all of this, I was able to attend church today. Pastor Sam, the assistant pastor, was spitting into the microphone as usual from the pulpit. His clear skin, honey-dyed hair, and khaki pants could not be missed. He winked at me. And refusing to be swayed by my feelings, I placed my offering in the offertory box, rolled my eyes at him and strutted away.
After service, Pastor Ike requested to see me, which indicated problems. Normally, I’d flee this lion’s lair. But this time, I entered his office with a threatening expression on my face. That expression said, “I’m not here for your crap!”
‘Sister Funke.’ He sipped a glass of water and straightened his lemon bow tie.
Pastor Ike is a towering figure. He is most likely a Nephilim descendent. His face is as dark as coal, and his sole bright spot is his set of white teeth. You may be blinded by his Colgate smile. Oh, my goodness! But there was one thing about him that I couldn’t stand: his choice of clothing colours. Loud colours! He was dressed in a brilliant yellow suit matched with violet shoes that he claimed were made from the back of an obstinate crocodile fighting with a pregnant ostrich. I pretended to smile and nod in agreement. What more could a girl possibly do?
‘I called you to my office because your days of being single are over. Your dating list is overflowing. Sister Funke, four spiritual sons of the most high God have shown exceptional interest in you as we sit face to face.’ He smiled as he concluded.
I sat there, perfuming the air with perplexity. What exactly did he just say? Who are these church guys expressing interest in me? Well, this was not the time to be impolite.
‘Alright, Pastor,’ I said. Please let me know when I would be able to meet with all of them. I’m referring to the various dates.’ I pushed myself up to my feet and prepared to leave.
‘Since you’re currently unemployed, you can meet the first man on Monday evening.’ He smiled.
Before taking my leave, I rolled my eyes. Did he have to remind me that I’m single and, worst of all, unemployed?!
‘Have a wonderful week packed with tongues-speaking.’ He added as I closed the door behind me.
By evening I had heard from the gentlemen who had expressed interest in me.
Let the dates begin!
35 years old. 4.5 feet. Dark in complexion. Smells fantastic – the taste of a million-dollar perfume. Has a refined American accent that he picked up locally. Dresses neatly yet opulently. Waden Group of Companies’ Chief Financial Officer
Venue for the Date: Golden Tulip Hotel (Restaurant section)
I spotted Sangu comfortably ensconced at a table for two and surfing the internet when I arrived at the venue. The air was thick with smoke from the grill, and the atmosphere was filled with soothing live band music. The servers neatly dressed in their elegant uniforms, were busily serving customers. One checked in with Sangu as I took my seat.
Funke: Hello Sangu!
Sangu: It’s great to finally meet you, Funke. What’s up?
Funke: Nothing much. What about you?
Sangu: I’m okay, just tired from too much workload. I don’t have as much free time on my hand as I used to.
Funke: I guess busy is your new middle name.
Sangu: Yes, to a significant extent. But I’d like to set aside time to date and settle down. I’m not going to get any younger.
Funke: That’s a great idea.
Sangu: You look lovely. What would you like to take? (pushes the menu towards me)
Funke: Thank you. You look great as well. And whatever is available on the menu would be just fine.
The waiter arrives and serves us.
Sangu: Vegetable rice with spicy sauce and assorted meat. This is one of my favourite meals.
Funke: We’re in the same boat. I love the aroma.
Sangu: I absolutely love it too. But, my mother’s meals are the best.
Funke: She must be exceptional.
Sangu: She’s an excellent cook and my favourite person in the world. I’m not sure I could go a day without her. Would you believe it that she chose my present job and my choice of outfit for this date?
Funke: Oh, that’s fantastic. I guess you see her regularly.
Sangu: (Smiles) of course! We live together. She asked if she could stay with me even after I settled, and I agreed. We spend a significant amount of time together, you know.
Funke: Amazing. So, what happens after you settle?
Sangu: She’ll be handling home affairs. I want her to ensure that my wife meets her standards as she performs her wifely duties.
Funke: Have you thought about what your partner might prefer as well? As in, whether she’ll be comfortable with her mother-in-law breathing down on her neck?
Sangu: If my wife can’t live with my mother, I’ll just get her a nearby apartment. It shouldn’t be difficult to live a simple life. Aside from that, my mother believes that a woman who does not support her husband’s choice will remain unhappy in life.
Funke: So you’re going to prioritize your mother over your wife?
Sangu: Well, she is the most important person in my life, and that’s it. I don’t take her words for granted. I can’t go a day without her counsel.
Funke: How will your wife carry out her wifely duties if you’re living apart from each other?
Sangu: (Ignoring the question) At home, we have a maid. She was brought in by my mother years ago and has shown to be handy. She cooks, cleans, massages my body and assists my mother.
Funke: Then you should marry her.
Sangu: You think just like my mum, I think we will get along. She proposed that, but I’m still contemplating.
Funke: (Looks surprised)
Sangu: Hold on, my mum is calling. I need to pick this.
(I nod in response and sip a glass of water. From where I am seated, I observe as he speaks with her for minutes.)
Sangu: Sorry for the inconvenience. She was curious as to whether I was at ease. However, we need to make this snappy. She expects me to return home before midnight.
I looked up from my meal. Is this guy serious?!! How could this ‘responsible’ adult not know what was best for him? I sat there watching him as he picked up a second call from his mother.
(Minutes after answering subsequent calls from her, he decided to call it a night.)
Sangu: I’m so sorry, but I have to leave. My mother wants to see me, she has news. It has been a pleasure meeting you, but I must leave. The bill is on me. Give me a call once you get home.
(Stands up and walks away.)
I locked my gaze on him as he walked away. This has to be a joke, right? A Mama’s boy? Oh, no way!!
I was furious by the time I got to my apartment. I ransacked my bag for the apartment key. And I banged loudly after I entered the room.
‘This has got to be a joke!’ I yelled fishing out my phone to call Night.
‘Hey, girlfriend!’ Night sang on the other side.
‘Hey!’ I replied in a boring tone.
‘Aww, you sound terrible. Bad date?’
‘I wish I could come over and keep you company but my husband is in town.’
‘So, what did the prince charming say?’ Night asked.
‘He’s a freaking Mama’s Boy. Would you believe it if I told you she controls him to the extent of choosing his pants?’
‘Saa? Are you serious? Oh my God!’ Night burst into uncontrollable laughter.
‘Sorry girlfriend. But this one is hilarious. Sounds like his Mama’s going to be the head of the family once he settles.’
‘Exactly! Can you believe he left me on the date to be with her? He is in a no-go area. Period!’
‘So much for the world to blame single girls for not being perfect, yet claiming they’ve got an attitude and aren’t submissive enough for marriage.’
‘I know right. I think he should just stay with his mum or marry his maid.’
‘Oh, he’s got a maid too? His mum brought in the maid I suppose?’
‘Of course, she did. He’s been getting the vibes to settle with the maid ever since she was ‘recommended’ by his mother.’
‘Wow. Funke, I’d have said give it a shot. But a man that is constantly controlled by his mother is a no-go zone. He’s not man enough to handle his personal affairs yet. You’d get hurt eventually.’
‘I foresaw that. At least I made an effort to enter the dating world after God knows how long.’ I sighed.
‘You’ll find someone better pretty soon.’
‘Thanks, Night. Let me get this makeup off my face. I’ll talk to you in the morning!’
Understudy Pastor, 36 years old. 7-foot-tall lanky guy who wears an inquisitive expression. He has grating laughter and loves bringing character into conversations. Worst of all, he spiritualizes everything to the extreme. And his personal hygiene needs a serious check.
Ohene: I am happy to see you Sister Funke. The moment you walked in, I sensed in the realms that we are meant to be together. The book of Genesis says ‘And Adam knew his wife.’
Funke: I am happy to see you too.
Ohene: Awesome. The lines are already falling in pleasant places for us. (Speaks in tongues) So, I was busily emptying my bowels one Saturday morning when I heard the Spirit speak to me. He said you are going to be my wife. And who am I to disobey? I quickly rushed to Pastor Ike and here we are. This is the blessing of obedience. Sister Funke, I love you and I would like to marry you. I already know you’re my property. That’s why for years, there’s been a spiritual manipulation in the realms to hinder the sons of the devil from asking you out.
Hold up people, did he just say ‘I am his property?’
Yep! He did.
Somebody get me a bass guitar so I smack the demon out of his dumb brain!
Ohene: Sister Funke? Sister Funke?
Ohene: Are you okay? You seemed lost for a minute.
Funke: I’m back.
Ohene: Did you fall into a trance? Because the moment you took off into the realms, I felt it.
Funke: I don’t get you.
Ohene: That was a joke. Funny isn’t it?
Funke: Oh okay. So what’s your profession? What are you about?
Ohene: Well, this spiritual son of the highest is a candidate at the Jerusalem Bible College.
Funke: So you’re going to be a full-time pastor upon completion?
Ohene: Exactly. You’re in the spirit.
Funke: Do you have any side hustle to bring you income?
Ohene: No. Why should I work when God has said he’ll provide? You see, the sons of Levi served in the house of God and they were still rich. Do you know why? Because God was their portion and so is he my portion.
Funke: How do you expect to run a home when you have no money?
Ohene: Money is not everything. The Bible says, ‘let the love of God dwell richly in you’. About the wedding, don’t worry. I spoke with Pastor Ike and he has agreed to give me a loan to finance the wedding so I’ve got that covered.
Funke: You’re going to start a long journey on a loan?
Ohene: You need to fuel up your faith because you are a daughter of Abraham.
Funke: I’m confused. Do you think the only thing that matters is love when it comes to marriage? The pocket must equally speak.
Ohene: This is one of the reasons why a lot of women are single. You’re always thinking about money. Money is not everything. If the man has proposed, be submissive enough to accept the proposal so we do the needful and settle.
Funke: How do you foot your rent and other bills then if money is not important?
Ohene: I stay with Pastor Ike. He has a boys’ quarters so I use one of the rooms.
Funke: A single room I suppose. If you bring in your wife and you have kids, what happens then?
Ohene: Don’t worry about this, God will remember his servant. So, back to the reason why we are here.
Ohene: I would like us to walk together in the realms until Yahweh unites us in the spirit. What do you say?
Funke: Erm, I’ll have to give it a second thought Brother Ohene.
Ohene: The violent taketh by force.
Ohene: The moment I asked, you should have jumped at it with a positive response. As you’re going to think about it, other sisters might also be fighting to take your place. Spiritual men are few these days.
Funke: I don’t think we are right for each other.
Ohene: Is it because I have nothing at the moment? Look, spiritually, I am a bulldozer carrying the wealth of Solomon. It will manifest soon. Look at Agyin Asare, Duncan Williams, Oyedepo, and Adeboye. They started with nothing but today the heavens have smiled on them.
Funke: It’s got nothing to do with that. You don’t have a vision and it is a problem.
Ohene: Your flesh is speaking at the moment, I can understand. Sister Funke, if you don’t humble yourself, you cannot submit to any man. Marriage is not all about money, there are humble beginnings that attract wealth.
Funke: I don’t think we fit. We have different opinions about marriage and that’s fine.
Ohene: I’ll make you my prayer topic for the rest of the week. Prayer changes situations.
Funke: You might want to fast as well because this girl right here is tough.
The waiter shows up to take our orders.
Ohene: What’s the price range of your meals?
Waiter: It ranges between Gh 50.00 and GH 3000.00. And whatever you order comes with a free bottle of water.
Ohene: Can I order on credit?
Waiter: No Sir.
Funke: Are you for real?!
I grabbed my purse, stood up, and walked out of the restaurant praying never to cross paths with Mr. Spirituality again!
To be continued…😊