Head 4 – Weird Women
‘Every leviathan spirit hindering sister Funke’s marriage is castrated. We suffocate every devil fighting against her marriage. (Speaks in tongues) Fire! Fire!!’
So, I’ve been kneeling for the last thirty-five minutes, watching this Pastor pray. My knees have turned numb, but who am I to stand up and walk away? He’d accuse me of being possessed by the so-called demons. Argh! Someone should remind me why I agreed to see Night’s pastor at her request.
The next morning…
‘What?’ I responded in an unpleasant tone.
‘Come on girlfriend. Meeting my pastor wasn’t that bad. Was it?’ Night replied.
‘It was all good. I returned home soaked in his spittle and I couldn’t feel my knees. So yeah, it was all good!’ I hit her in the face with my response.
‘Girlfriend stop being sarcastic. You’ll be fine.’ Night assured me.
‘That doesn’t mean he should go about spitting on everyone! I’m giving him a box of facemask, toothpaste, and a toothbrush the next time we cross paths.’
‘Still upset huh?! I’m sorry, biko.’
‘It’s fine.’ I sighed.
‘So, what are we doing today?’ Night asked.
‘No, no. You and I aren’t hitting the club. I’m off to the salon. I have a date. So, I’m on my own for today.’ I concluded and hung up without waiting for her response.
I got matched with two attractive men after signing up for the love dot com dating site. And I was looking forward to meeting with my first match today. Let’s see how things turn out.
At the Salon…
Apart from the hairstylists, the beautifully lit salon was filled with five women; Lola, Owusua, Soriah, Naa, and Rene. Two were seated under the hairdryer and reading fashion magazines, one was getting her hair fixed, and the other two were dying theirs. It seemed they were great friends that wanted to act like twins. I guess they didn’t hear about hair damage caused by hair dyes and glues. Well, at least, they’d go through the hair breakage together, and they’d probably launch a YouTube channel to warn other ladies against dying their hair.
Well, I decided to mind my business the moment I took a seat. The main hairstylist smiled pleasantly as she walked over to where I sat. That smile looked familiar. The hairstylist bore a striking resemblance to Segun Arinze, a Nigerian celebrity. Now, picture Segun Arinze rocking Nicki Minaj’s distinctive hairstyle. That’s the hairstylist’s look right there.
‘You’re welcome. I am the madam of this salon. Everyone calls me Hairy Mama, feel free to call me the same.’ She winked at me before signaling her free apprentice to attend to me.
What was that wink for? I wore a surprised expression.
‘Any specific hairstyle?’ the apprentice asked.
‘Like Ariana Grande’s?’ she asked.
‘Excellent!’ I smiled.
‘Let’s get started.’ The apprentice winked at me.
What the hell?!!
Everything was peaceful until the lady getting her hair fixed got a call. We were casually eavesdropping on the conversation while she was being dramatic on the phone, as is typical of most women. The room was filled with murmuring by the time she hung up.
‘All men are dogs! They can’t seem to figure out what they want. They confidently say they prefer big boobs and big ass, yet they continue to pursue the exact opposite. What’s the matter with those creatures?!!’ She yelled and thumped her phone onto the counter!
We remained silent as we awaited more information which we knew would follow in a bit. Her name was Lola, I discovered.
‘I’ve only been out for a little over an hour, and he’s already entertaining another lady. When I get home, he’ll have the shock of his life!’ she yelled.
‘And how did you figure out what he’s doing in your absence? Spiritual discernment?’ Owusua, a lady under the hairdryer asked.
‘When he got intoxicated with wine, I set up security cameras at vantage places in the house. That way, I can keep an eye on him wherever I go with just a click on my phone.’ Lola explained.
We all shifted our attention to her. Was she for real?! I felt nothing but sadness for this guy, whoever he was.
‘Lola, where do you work?’ I asked.
‘I work for a security agency.’ With a smirk on her face, she said.
‘Okaaay.’ We all responded in unison.
Soriah looked up from her magazine. ‘Are you still capable of putting up with men? After a terrible heartbreak, I gave up on men. He was only interested in my wealth, as I discovered later. He’d put up a mansion on the quiet and intended to settle down with another woman. In retaliation, I meddled with his business by gaining access to his company’s bank account using his login details, and illegally wired a huge sum of money from there. Once the firm traced the source of the embezzlement, he was found guilty and was convicted of a crime he knew nothing about. He was eventually tossed out like a football but was unfortunately slapped with thirty years in prison with hard labour. I’m a software engineer, in case you’re wondering.’ She smiled.
Is it possible that I ended up at a salon with a group of weird women? Lord, help me!
‘Oh, Lord! I feel for him.’ Rene cried. ‘Is he okay now?’
‘No. He died from the shock of realizing that I caused his downfall.’ Soriah replied.
‘You two are cold-blooded creatures. After five years of marriage, I just divorced my partner. He always reminded me that I was chosen out of pity. I was hurt by his statement. But I stayed positive and chose to focus on myself, seeking opportunities to improve on myself. I’m not convinced it’s acceptable to hurt your lover or ex just because he broke your heart. The Christian thing to do is to move on after forgiving him.’ Naa gave a sermon.
‘You’re right, Naa. So, I told him I’d forgiven him just before he died. It’s also a Christian thing to do.’ Soriah let out a sigh.
Rene looked up from the magazine she was holding. ‘I have a confession to make. So, I agreed to go on a date with a married man one time.’
Her opening statement caused me to roll my eyes. I’ve despised single ladies who date married men since I was a child. My father was a typical example of this. He devoted all of his time and money to these strange women who only milked him dry and drained him of energy. So, until Rene finished her confession, I had to keep my emotions in check.
Rene cleared her throat. ‘After the first date, I started frequenting his place in the absence of his wife. But his wife got wind of me and met me in person. She pleaded with me to keep away from her husband; yet, I remained adamant. I was head over heels in love with her husband and eager to take her place. I wanted her husband all to myself. Then I had visitors at odd hours in my house one night. The man’s wife showed up with two imposing men. They thrashed me before injecting me with an unknown substance. Ever since that incident, I’ve been battling a liver ailment that’s been depleting my bank account.’
Everyone stayed silent for a moment.
‘Whatever was injected into your body wasn’t good. But why would you choose a married man as your target? If nothing else, I’m afraid that brutal men will be recruited to intimidate or kill me.’ Owusua shared her fears.
Rene squirmed in her seat, ‘He gave me all I needed. I didn’t like him initially, but as he started taking care of my needs and fulfilling my wishes, I knew he was the one for me.’
It was all silent again until I saw that they were all staring at me. But, I didn’t want to be the next topic for discussion, so I cleared my throat and averted my gaze to Owusua. ‘It appears you have never been in a relationship?’
‘Girl, no. I have a kid. His name is Korea. Don’t judge me though. I’m twenty-five but a single mother.’ She replied.
‘You sound like a pro.’ Rene chimed in.
‘Not really. I just couldn’t figure out who the child’s father was, so I had to take total responsibility. And as a single parent with a low-paying job, believe me, it’s a special curse.’ Owusua replied.
‘You should have requested a paternity test sooner.’ I mentioned.
‘I did. But the paternity test came out negative for all the six men at the time.’ she added.
Hairy Mama erupted into uncontrollable laughter. ‘Which implies that there was a seventh man! Girl, you’re a pro!!’
The mumbling started all over again.
‘Owusua, how many guys have you dated?’ Soriah was the one who detonated the bomb.
‘Let’s see. I am currently single. I love dating men. I mean why should I stay single? That’s a boring life.’ She chuckled. ‘Smart was my first boyfriend from Lebanon. Then came Charlie from the Seychelles Island, but we split up after he discovered I was seeing his best friend, George. After that, Ayodeji joined me on my journey to Nigeria. This romance ended after a month because I met Kayden. The relationship was so boring that I switched to his identical twin, Jayden. But it all came crashing down when I travelled to China and met Hun Lee. He was a great guy, but the language barrier made things difficult, so we called it quits. That’s when I met Ravi, a native of Mumbai. Our relationship was three months long, the longest of my relationships so far. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stand his insane love for garlic so we broke up. And then Awal came along, which marked a turning point in my life. He was a romantic Pakistani with racist parents. Oh, my gosh! I had to flee for my life! We parted ways before I met Antonio, a Frenchman from Paris. He took French leave while I was pregnant with the baby.’ Owusua paused for a few seconds as everyone in the salon seemed to be pondering over her former words. Then she added, ‘However, I believe the baby belongs to either Ninja from Jamaica or Saeed from South Sudan. Because, like my son, they’re both quite dark.’ She concluded.
Now, the salon descended into a state of shock. Was this girl for real? Some ladies her age were out there accomplishing the almost impossible tasks, and here she was, with a long history of body counts.
In my opinion, this is the type of lady the pastor needs to exorcize demons from, not me!
‘You are the definition of Miss World!’ Soriah burst out laughing, shattering the awkward silence.
‘So, how do you feel after living this kind of life?’ Lola inquired.
‘Honestly, I feel terrible when I consider the fact that I was sexually intimate with every man in my life. I’m ashamed of myself, and raising a child on my own is no laughing matter. Life is really tough but I try to put the past behind me though it haunts me sometimes.’ Owusua became teary-eyed.
Naa sat up, clearly intending to preach to the poor girl. ‘Bouncing from one guy to the other like a basketball has no grandeur, but it does have repercussions. Congratulations, if you’ve truly changed!’
Rene chimed in, ‘As a child, my mother mentioned that there was no glory in sleeping about. It is true.’
I peeped at my phone. I had missed my date. Conversations at salons can eat up hours without one realizing it. Oh my goodness!! I’d have to call my date and apologize.
Yes, I know I missed my date. But the conversations with these ladies, however, were on a different level.
Does being single permit one to sleep around in the name of ‘having fun?’
Listening to these women, I learned I had to address my insecurities as soon as possible else, I would end up controlling my relationships like Soriah is currently doing. I wouldn’t be surprised if she falls prey to hypertension in the future.
Mama said until marriage knocks on your door, stop worrying and get yourself busy. Because being a wife and a mother is hard work that you might never take a break from. Maybe I should just enjoy this period of singleness while dreaming up some brilliant inventions. Fair enough!