Head 3 – Lone Ranger
Since the sun rose, I’ve been lying in bed, surfing the internet, and reading relationship advice for single women from Steve Harvey’s perspective. I’ve read the same messages over and over, but I’ve been unable to decode them. Am I dumb or does he just not make sense?
‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket?’
‘Don’t fry eggs that aren’t meant for you?’
‘Don’t let your eggs crack until a customer buys them?’
Well, whatever it means. Today is Friday, which is the day closest to the weekend (or perhaps, it is the start of the weekend). I’m afraid I have nothing better to do today than lie in bed and look blankly at the porcelain ceiling. Being unemployed meant remaining at home and resting until a well-paying job came along without causing me any concern.
In a few days, I’d turn thirty-one, and here I was, still unmarried and with no plans for the future. Nothing bothers me more than the thought that, if I ever have children, they will be juniors in school to my colleagues’ children. Why do you think that is? Because my colleagues already have kids who are growing pretty fast, while mine hasn’t been formed yet.
Food hadn’t entered my thoughts as I lay in bed staring at my phone at midday (I must confess that a total food junkie like myself can’t stop thinking about food), but today, I ignored the growling of my stomach, which seemed to be demanding something appetizing. I’d rather drink a glass of whiskey and finally pass out!
I grabbed my ringing phone and grinned as I recognized the caller—Night.
‘Hey, girl!’ I said with so much enthusiasm that it was impossible to sense how sad I was.
Oh, how I detested this nickname and the tone that it was sung with! Nonetheless, I had to keep my cool because Night had been a significant part of my journey since high school. We shared memories of the same high school, and we partied hard like there was no tomorrow. She was fortunate to land her dream job exactly two months after national service. It was her ideal job in the aviation sector, and she was engaged to a gorgeous business mogul one year down the line. But nothing worked out for me, unfortunately!
It seemed the universe had collaborated to give her the very best it had to offer, except for one. She had no children! The headache of some married women. It’s like adding salt to injury when they are blamed or mocked for being unable to bear children. The worst of all is having impatient in-laws or a husband who looks the other way when his wife cannot bear children. No woman ever wants to experience this. Ever!
‘I’ve missed you so much!’ Night yelled from her end, almost deafening my left ear.
‘I miss you too, girlfriend.’ I replied sitting up in bed.
‘Where are you?’ she asked.
‘I’m at work.’ I lied, feeling guilty.
‘I can tell when you’re lying. I’m right in front of your apartment. Get your behind out of bed before I break this door!’ She hung up.
For lying to my friend, I was drowning in shame. And I knew she’d honour her promise of breaking down the door if I didn’t make it to that wooden structure quickly.
…unlocking the door in …3…2…1…open!
‘Look-at-you!’ she sang, drawing me into a hug with all her strength.‘
‘Night, I can’t breathe. Easy.’ I tried to pull away.
‘Girl, you stink! When was the last time you showered?’ She asked as she walked down my corridor, leaving her belongings on the floor and making her way to my room. How could I ever get rid of her?
Get dressed. First, go wash down. We’re going out.’ She announced herself and unlocked my closet, rummaging through my belongings.
‘Don’t judge me.’ She added, almost as if she could read my mind.
‘Where are we going?’
‘To the hospital.’
‘Are you pregnant or sick?’ I asked, my eyes now wide open and fixed on her adorable face. Night is the epitome of cuteness. She looks far younger and more lovely than her age. Her gorgeous face and smooth ebony skin were to die for. She’s also the photogenic friend that always brightens the pictures. Her vitality is beyond my wildest imagination.
‘Neither of the above. Jamal and I cannot have kids. He’s got erectile dysfunction.’ She sounded highly emotional.
Her marriage seemed to be the most flawless. Her social media pages bore lovely pictures of herself and Jamal – her husband. You could never tell that they had a problem. I’ll say it again: social media is probably 90% deception and 10% reality!
‘So what’s the plan?’ I asked.
‘I’m going for artificial insemination. My appointment is due today.’ She wiped tears from her eyes with the tip of her fingers and forced a smile.
I exhaled deeply and smiled back. ‘Give me ten minutes, I’ll be ready.’
At the hospital…forty-five minutes later…
For the past forty-five minutes, I’ve been patiently waiting in the hall. Night is still in there, and I have no clue how long it takes to get an artificial insemination process done. The talkative spirit in her could probably be engaging the doctor, who knows? I had nowhere to be with nothing to do except lay in bed, so waiting for her wasn’t such a bother.
Hold on a second! My eyes just caught sight of a gentle soul and it took my breath away. Who was this dashing gentleman in scrubs busying himself with his patients? The tall gentleman with a beautiful face. Light-skinned with a nicely trimmed beard and a decent haircut. God! Take a look at that sultry smirk. He’s the forbidden apple that tempted Eve in the garden of Eden.
I sat up. My eyes threatened to jump out of their sockets. Oh, my goodness! His brain was next to his charming look and soothing voice on the list.
He turned in my direction, but for a few seconds. My heart rate began to drop like the value of the Ghana cedi on the world market. And immediately, I assumed there was no interest whatsoever.
‘When a man is attracted to a woman, he stares long and hard, questioning from his mind where the angel dwells in this gloomy world. And if he isn’t interested, he will stare for a few seconds before averting his gaze.’ This statement made by Night has stayed with me for years. It was probably true.
Even though I was never good at math in school, I could tell how short a few seconds was. I was ecstatic when Mr. Babatunde Olusegun, my math teacher, died. He died of a heart attack after examining my mock exams paper, as I was told. I’m sure he understood a girl like me had no hope when it came to calculative subjects. And I was convinced that if he hadn’t died after seeing my answers, he would have recommended that I drop out of school and join the community’s cultural dance group. May his irritative and stingy soul languish in hell! I let out a sigh.
Night showed up at the reception with a big smile on her face. I knew it was a success right away. I was also pleased with myself for being a good girlfriend. Isn’t that what friends do? Instead of ripping each other apart, we should be supportive instead.
‘I can’t wait to be an aunty.’ I squealed and hugged her.
‘You should be a rich aunty. Because I’ll need you to spoil her.’ Night cried.
‘Lord help me land a well-paid job!’
‘Uh-huh! There’s an administrative vacancy at Yungo Oil Company. I can talk my husband into putting in a good word for you if you don’t mind. Send me your CV once we return to your place.’ She said.
I gave a big grin. How did we get here? I could already imagine myself working for the firm. In their colours. I would arrive at the company’s weekly meeting wearing a three-inch pencil heel and carrying my Dolce & Gabbana handbag.
‘Excuse me.’ The doctor cleared his throat, calling me back into reality.
It was my crush again. Oh Lord, was he coming over to speak with me?
‘You left your car keys on my desk.’ He said softly and handed the key over to Night.
‘Oh, God! I nearly forgot that. Thank you, doctor.’
I stared harder than ever. Whose son is this? Damn! I bit my lower lip. He’d make a fine companion. But who said doctors are single? Well, I am yet to meet a single man in scrubs who is truly single.
‘You’re welcome.’ He nodded and walked away.
…at the Hospital’s parking lot…in Night’s Range Rover…
‘Funke, I didn’t tell you this. But I hope you forgive me.’ Night reached for my hand. Oh no, this can’t be good!
‘Back in the consulting room, the doctor requested your contact and I gave it to him. He asked me to give you his as well.’ She said, pulling out his business card. The card was bearing his details.
I smiled sheepishly and snatched the card from her. ‘You’re pardoned.’
So, if my math is right, by the end of the weekend, I won’t be single. Oh, and I’ll be employed as well. Keeping my fingers crossed.